The Mom Guilt is Real!

Parenthood is full of contradictions. I look at my son and am so overwhelmed with love and joy, but would also trade my right arm for five minutes of peace. The balancing act can sometimes leave me feeling a little guilty, like I'm being ungrateful to get to be with Billy all day, every day. Mom guilt is real and illogical, seeing as my child is happy and healthy and wants for nothing. I STILL can't shake that feeling that I'm not doing anything right or doing enough. It's something I'm working on, because I want to enjoy my parenting journey without being hindered by worry that I put in my own head.

Currently, my mom guilt is centered around the fact that my child is in the whining stage and I find it mind numbingly annoying. Everybody mentioned the terrible two's and three-nagers, some people even told me they found the newborn stage the most difficult. But NO ONE said anything about the stage between one and a half and two years old. He's getting the big feelings and is more energetic and mobile, but doesn't have the vocabulary to tell me what he wants, so he resorts to whining and fake crying. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure even he doesn't know what he wants! We're working on building his vocabulary so he can use his words to tell us what he wants, but it's a work in progress and in the meantime, he melts down when we don't move fast enough.

At times like that, I would like nothing more than to ship him off to the zoo. I look forward to the age where he can communicate a little better, but that's where the guilt comes into play. I wish I could just be present and enjoy the stage he's in now, instead of wishing for time to speed up (or even go back in time to the newborn stage!). I miss the days of smaller wake windows and unlimited snuggles. I miss the days when Billy wasn't a stage five clinger, and my arms weren't close to popping off because he's now half my height. I look forward to the future, when he can tell me what is making him mad or unhappy and we can make it right without having to go down a huge checklist.

That makes me sad for Billy as he is now. I hate that I would wish time away, just because I don't have the ability to regulate my system like a normal adult. I'm going to try to be better to him, and to myself. I'm not making the most of this precious time we have together by daydreaming of a different age or berating myself for being frustrated. Billy is the most important thing in the world to me (you're a very close second, hubby!), and we are learning together. We just have to learn to be patient, and I have no doubt that I will miss this when I'm old and grey and looking back on my life.